making up or moving on
no one can tell you when your relationship is over, that’s a decision for you. you’ve likely oscillated back and forth for months, even years, on what ending your dating relationship, engagement, or marriage may look like. there’s not an easy answer and leaving or staying will both have their own set of unique challenges.
area shelter information
i’ll caveat with this-if you or your children are being abused, please leave immediately and find shelter or assistance from loved ones. if you’re in the houston area some options include:
**abuse includes physical, financial, sexual, spiritual, and emotional*
you may wonder the implications of what leaving your relationship may mean for your children. i want to pose an alternative perspective to consider for a moment- what type of relationship are you modeling for your children by staying? is it a relationship you want for your son or daughter? if the answer today is “no,” that doesn’t mean that with some hard work and new habits, it can change to a resounding “yes.” your children may have known their parents to operate in one dynamic for the past 8 years but would they be able to say one or ten years from now that it was a season that you worked diligently to get through? this takes two willing, collaborative people, not just one person begging the other to make some changes that aren’t simply behavior modification.
non monogamous relationships & infidelity
another thing to consider is infidelity. some people intentionally have open relationships with boundaries both parties agree upon. in those situations there is going to be what monogamous couples call cheating, for those who prefer non-monogamy, both parties are in agreement that fidelity isn’t just tied to one person. this can blur lines of what is and is not considered infidelity and requires an extra level of communication and reserves the right to change what boundaries make the other partner feel safe, secure, and valued. more often than not there’s not a blanket “do what you will and i’ll be here when you’re done” mentality. as humans we’re wired for connection and there are always going to be opportunities for jealousy and insecurity. it may be helpful to work with a therapist regularly in this type of relationship to understand what your wants, needs, negotiables, and nonnegotiables are in your relationship.
monogamous relationships & infidelity
we, espeically in Christian circles, often hear the only Biblical reason to get divorced is because of infidelity-but what even is that, really? is it unfaithful to hold hands or kiss? unfaithful to hug? is it only intercourse or do emotinal entanglements count, too? knowing your boundaries and keeping them is vital to the health of your relationship. oftentimes the grass looks greener elsewhere. that man at the gym is still lean while your spouse has “let himself go,” you tell yourself. or, HIS wife loves staying home with the children and you begin to resent the fact that your wife desires a job outside the home so you find yourself fantasizing about a life that’s different than the one you have. there’s always going to be someone more successful, attractive, or attentive. your commitment is no one else’s responsibility but yours. you reserve the right to identify, and change, your relationship boundaries over time and when one party steps out of those boundaries you’re left with a difficult decision-are you going to work to rebuild trust or leave the relationship altogether?
stay together for the kids
i know all too well from my personal experience what it means to stay together for the kids as well as the counsel from my local church. the decision to leave my first marriage was gut-wrenching that still has implications in my life to this day. i belive you always, even in small ways, grieve the loss of the life you thought you’d have. i feel it when we swap on holidays and when my kids ask “whose house are we at again this weekend?” it’s hard to not feel like a failure all these years later, even though i know the woman i am and the marriage i model to them now is everything i pray they have for themselves. i rest knowing they’re seeing every time we’re together what selfless love looks like and i am so very grateful. however, both the sadness and the joy exist simultaneously. that doesn’t mean that you should only date or remarry once you’re “fully” healed because i don’t know what that even means or looks like-even by the hour. while, yes, statistics will show that the trauma from divorce does impact children in their own lives and dating relationships, i’d also argue that what they see daily also shapes their belief systems. either way, they’re watching and attuned to what’s happening around them. when you decide to leave it’s your decision. you cannot blame your therapist or your friends. if you’re looking for someone to tell you you should leave, that should indicate something is awry needs addressing. you may ask for wise counsel to see if there’s any blind spots that you’re overlooking or choosing to endure because you feel stuck financially or otherwise, but, the decision to leave is wholly yours.
what’s next
there’s a million questions as you choose to decide to leave or mend your relationship and a million more once you decide. while the road is never linear, nor is it easy, it is possible to have clarity and the self-advocacy to recognize what needs to change and how to get there. if you’re in texas i’d love to work with you to consider what next steps look like for your relationship in a therapeutic setting. not all therapists are alike and some are ill equipped to handle what you’re walking through. some churches have great counseling programs and others will hold leaglistic views above your head. remember, your church body is not the Lord. sometimes they get it wrong. sometimes therapists get it wrong. be discerning and consider listening to what your body’s trying to tell you about your situation. you can make a wise decision for you-and your children. i promise that decision making power is in there and i so despreately hope you believe and find it’s in there, too.
